Sorry, wibbit, you live in the post-industrial wasteland laughingly known as the PAD, not Hamilton Park, where landed gentry court the monied South West Asians with spontaneous cultural festivals held on reclaimed mini-putt courses. The PAD is known only for potholes, bridge'n'tunnel supper clubs and the odd reclusive wine magnate. Why, you don't even have bus service to the fabled isle of Manhattoe!
You should prolly just kill yourself, or move to Westfield.
Actually, that's not a bad idea for all of us - including me. Especially me. Does the Trader Joe's on Elm Street sell acquavit?